Ah, bless you, Sister, may all your sons be bishops.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
I am a daylight atheist.
I am a drinker with writing problems.
I have a total irreverence for anything connected with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper and the old men and old women warmer in the winter and happier in the summer.
I have never seen a situation so dismal that a policeman couldn't make it worse.
I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.
It is a good deed to forget a poor joke.
New York is my Lourdes, where I go for spiritual refreshment... a place where you're least likely to be bitten by a wild goat.
The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.
Lucian Freud & Brendan Behan
One drink is too many for me and a thousand not enough.